Welcome to my Substack - I'm both deeply ashamed to share anything and excited to write more! What a great email subject line!

New Me

Hello, welcome to my newsletter! Now that’s a sentence any 30 year old man would be proud to type. Roughly a year ago I found out I was going to be a father, an exciting moment that motivated me to make some life changes. And frankly, any man that doesn’t alter their life after discovering they will soon be a father will either go on to be an absolute dumpster fire of a dad OR was a complete dullard (like you didn’t have a single vice that you’d be ashamed to have your kid discover??? Loser behavior). That said, I stopped doing stand up comedy mainly because that lifestyle didn’t really mesh with that of being a present father - can’t wait put the weight of that decision on my boy shoulders! Since I stopped stand up I’ve been itching to get a creative project off the ground and I’ve decided to do that by writing stories about my life as a dad, life pre-dad and pretty much anything else enters my mind. I hope you enjoy.

New Me

About 1 year ago I stopped smoking weed because apparently it helps with your sperm health. (quick aside - what an incredible start! Also realizing as I’m about to post this that initially my family will be the first and only to read it and the topic is sperm health and weed - fantastic!) The first day was rough, my hands were sweating profusely and I was agitated all day, hell I even called a therapist! Reaching out for help like a total coward. That was an absolute croc - quick aside, my wife had been pushing therapy on me since I’m the type to bottle up my feelings until one day I have a full implosion. She says that not healthy, I say it’s my system. 

So I text this therapist, much to her delight, and he’s super responsive which is great but the content of his messages could be described as at least as off-putting & at most complete insanity. This man - WHOM I’VE NEVER MET- said that the first thing I should do is write down all my secrets (???) and put them in a manilla envelope, then bring them to our first session. 1. I haven’t seen a manilla envelope in years & B. there’s a 0% chance I’m going to leave a paper trail of my secrets. The only people I tell my secrets to are my wife and my mom - basically if I’ve come INTO or OUT OF your vagina I’ll let you know what’s actually going on inside my head, if not: take a hike. Now I’m steamed. Is this what therapy is?? Maybe I don’t want to burden people with my problems. Maybe this exact attitude is why the life expectancy of men is 5 years less than women. Maybe I’ll just white knuckle life til an artery explodes when someone asks how I’m doing and I just say “Good, you?”. Maybe not though. 

So throughout this intro session therapy debacle I’m stressed and not smoking (for the health of my sperm) and all the while my wife is actually pregnant so therefore my sperm are actually fine and if I could’ve just smoked I wouldn’t be dealing with this narc-ass shrink. Kept going with the no weed deal and as much as it pains me to admit it, it’s actually great being sober. My mind is clear and I’m able to string together thoughts and remember things from the recent past! The first week was rough - the days feel long but you start having dreams again which is cool. I kept thinking I was having these wild dreams but when I’d wake up and describe them to my wife she’d be like “yeah that’s a pretty standard issue dream”. Also I know everyone that smokes weed everyday says “its not an addictive substance” - and to that I say “is so.”

I knew my time as a pothead was coming to an end though because while I wasn’t doing anything technically wrong each time I sparked up next to my wife (who was abstaining for the health of our future son) gave me a glare that said “I love you but this is ridiculous, the amount you smoke is unsustainable and with a kid on the way you know you’ll have to quit sooner rather than later so you might as well get adjusted to life without smoking but if this really is something that eases your anxiety I’m fine with it, I know the man I married and if this is his biggest flaw its not that bad, also I was wrong to continually suggest therapy to you and you’re doing just fine without it” Her face said all that, its hard to explain you really had to be there.

Anyhow I’m a year without weed and in that time I’ve spent over one thousand dollars on shoes which I argue is a net positive!

Shoes I bought that Lael hates when I wear outside

Latest Pair of Shoes I've bought

I have a problem.